I am so in love with this song! I heard it for the first time driving home one night this past week. I fell in love with our Lord all over again. I heard the words and felt the emotions... Like a bride waiting for her groom We'll be at church ready for you Every heart longing for our King We sing, even so come... Lord, Jesus come We wait for you God, you're coming soon We wait for you ...the emotions of what it's like for a bride waiting for her groom - all the anticipation, longing, joy, and love I felt this within me as I thought about my future, my wedding day, my groom. The excitement, joy, and love overflows... As I listened more to the words, I thought, "Imagine if we went to the Mass with the same emotions each week"...with such anticipation and longing to receive Jesus...with the joy of knowing He will be there each and every time. Imagine the next time you're preparing to receive Jesus in the Eucharist How do you come to him? Do you come to him as you would your spouse on your wedding day? Ready for him? Your heart longing for him? Want to know more about the Eucharist? Watch this video!
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About six years ago I sat in a Catholic church with a beautiful family waiting for two people to be married. I couldn't be any happier for them. It was there, in that church with all those people, though, that my heart sank for the first time at a Catholic wedding. It wouldn't be the first time. There have been many times of this heart-breaking feeling. Today, I bravely share this feeling with you asking for you to empathize with where I am coming from even if you can't fully understand it or possibly care. Some may think I am judging. I ask that you hear me out, because there's always more to the picture.
It has taken me some time to learn about and fully appreciate and love the Catholic Mass! In college I left it in search of what was missing only to find out it was that personal relationship with Jesus. I returned a few years later, because of the Eucharist (the body and blood of Jesus (not a symbol)). It was a very difficult and exciting time, those years in college, as my faith/Jesus came alive and real to me while I had to find what church denomination to call my true church and home. Then when God called me to do more with my faith while I was student teaching, I later found my ministry job and I began working in the Catholic Church. I knew so little, but my heart was on fire for the Catholic faith and what God was going to do through me. I have come to learn so much, that I am forever grateful that the Holy Spirit led me back to the Church. So, as I grow in my own faith and understanding of the rituals, traditions, and spirituality of the Catholic Church, everything means more and makes more sense. In a way, my faith life comes alive. Advent and Christmas takes on a deeper meaning and mystery, as well as Easter as we recount Christ's death, Resurrection, and Ascension. And all the time in between is shaped by how Christ is teaching me to be more like Him. With the combination of the Mass making more sense and meaning more, as well as weddings always being a very special time in two people's lives, I take all that happens during the Mass very seriously. I enter into that Mass by praying, signing, listening to the words of the priest, couple, and readers. I listen to the words as I sing and as the lectors (readers) read the Scripture. And while that goes on, I desperately want everyone else to do the same. I want to worship as one community uniting together in the biggest form of prayer possible - the Mass. BUT... so many things go wrong! People don't sing. They don't know where to find the song. They don't feel comfortable singing. Why would they try to sing a new song? The musicians "leading them" are not in front, but way off somewhere out of sight. Were they really invited to sing? The song is way too high/low for them. No one else is singing, so why would I?.... and the list goes on. My heart breaks because....Song is prayer. It is beautiful. It is a form or worship. It's not meant to be a performance even in a wedding. In my opinion, we are suppose to sing with the musicians and worship God...at least for most of the songs. I wonder if people understand this. I don't want to be one of the few singing on this beautiful day as two become one...I just don't. Out of everything in the Mass, this one saddens me the most, because mostly anyone could do it Catholic or not. Even Catholics go quiet. The prayers and parts of the Catholic Mass can be so unknown for guests in a Catholic Church. It saddens me when Catholics go quiet, because they're now uncomfortable or maybe even unsure of themselves or their faith, because they're surrounded by this quiet atmosphere - this group of people that are of mixed faiths or possibly even no faith tradition. My heart breaks because this is the time when coming together to worship in love for this couple needs to be there. Anyone would pick the worshiping, confident community verses the quiet and hesitant. Those in heaven, the angels and the Saints, those that have passed, have come to celebrate. We join with them in this prayer, in this beautiful Sacrament of Marriage. If only the Catholics could remain confident, maybe...just maybe each one of us wouldn't feel so alone in this...maybe I wouldn't... The other day I actually thought, "It wasn't so "lonely" in Masses like these, because everyone in our family/back in the day was mostly Catholic." Because today is so different, the situation presents new opportunities, but often times they are missed. The teacher side of me and the woman that desperately wants a wedding of her own (someday) full of active participation, thinks of ideas such as these:
A Mass full of active participation is more important to me than all the wedding gifts combined. The Mass is more important than the reception. So, little by little, I need to learn how to come all that I am (with this desire) in love, but worship without expectation... so I am not upset, because I cannot control things and the day is not about me. I've always known this. All I can hope for is one day, just maybe, I won't see it as "what is missing" since my eyes have been open to what the Mass is. If it is the biggest prayer we can offer and "do," than I must not get caught up in all of this, because much bigger things are happening! God is much bigger than a song and the prayers we can offer out loud. So, whatever the Mass is that day, it is! One of my favorite ways to worship my Lord is through song, whether it be in my car with the radio as I sing along or in church at Mass as we sing prayers, hymns, and songs. It is always a tad bit different when you visit another church, even if it is still the same christian denomination. But the beauty of the Catholic Mass is that I could go anywhere in the world and the Mass (form) would still be the same. So, this morning, it only took me a little bit to figure out the melody of some of the prayers we were singing. The surprise came later... I tell the young people, and encourage them, to sing because God doesn't care what your voice sounds like! You are worshiping Him! After all, he created your voice, so let Him hear it. How beautiful it is, different but alike as Christians, coming together to worship and thank our Lord. How little it really is what our voice sounds like. Have you really focused on the words you are singing and praising God for? Have you realized so much of it comes straight from the Bible? It is amazing! I am challenged by words in songs. I want to remember lines from songs forever. FOREVER! "Fire my heart with your love," is just an example. Just beautiful. My spirit comes alive as I hear what I am singing, meditating on, and praise my Lord with! Yes, I've cried through songs in my car, in church, and in many places. If you are just singing along without paying any mind to what you are singing, you are missing out. I encourage you, especially while at church, to totally be present in every part...and if you feel called, start with the music and then move onto the next. (The Eucharist is the most important in the Catholic Mass...everything else is preparing us for that.) So, today in church, we naturally sang the prayers and songs that are to be sung. As we sang, an older girl in the pew behind me to the right, who appeared to have Down Syndrome, joined in. I couldn't make out much of what she was saying. Much of what came out was loud, staggered tones. I am not going to lie, it was alarming at first. It caught me off guard. My heart hurt for the pain the girl and the family may have endured. People can be so mean. Then as she sang, she was so eager to sing, "God," in the prayers and songs. It was truly amazing! I could recognize a few other words. How my heart leaped for joy right then and there for her! How much our Lord loved to hear her and from her. It didn't matter what she sounded like. My mind flashed back to when I worked at Sacred Heart. There was an adult man that would come to church and stay in the Narthex area in his wheel chair. He would make loud grunting noises throughout the Mass. People actually complained about him. The staff and I talked about this. He was welcome. Jesus welcomed everyone! So, my heart hurt for this girl today. I didn't want anyone to complain, especially to the family. Why would anyone want to stand in the way of someone worshiping God and receiving Jesus? During Mass I prayed that no one would talk negatively about this girl. I thought about what I would say if I needed to. I so didn't want to break out my, "But Jesus welcomed everyone and he spent his time with..." speech to hopefully soften hearts. I was blessed with a wonderful response after Mass, and my heart leaped for joy again! Many thoughts went through my mind during Mass. The strength it must take for parents to break the norm of what is acceptable at Mass (whatever that is) and bring their daughter...to face everyone hoping for nothing but love in return when that should be all they receive in the house of the Lord. We all know that doesn't always happen...sadly. The strength it must take when they face their first obstacle against their daughter in a Christian setting or any. Double guessing yourself wondering if you made the right choice for various reasons. Then hopefully holding onto their faith tight enough to know what's right for them and their daughter. Finally, I pray for the blessings in their lives. They are brave! Not everyone would be bringing their daughter to church. What a beautiful testimony of love between a child and Jesus and the parents provided that for their child. Chris Tomlin in "Our God, " a perfect song for this story! Check it out! I never had a hard time understanding why we, as Catholics, have Mary and the Saints pray for us. It made total sense to me that they are amazing intercessors for me, since they are the closest to God and His Son. We too, are intercessors for others when others ask us to pray for them for various needs, however, it just happens to take place here on earth. Even though this made sense and I taught this to high school youth (so they could teach others that Catholics DO NOT pray to Mary and Saints or worship (we honor) them), I didn't put it into practice. It wasn't until I began to see Mary as "my mother," that I could see her as an intercessor for me. As I saw Mary's love for her son, I began to see Mary in her motherly role. Only a mother can comfort in such a way and be there through certain things. I also knew she had an understanding of being a woman, so I can cry out to her woman to woman. As this happened, my prayers to God through the intercession of Mary grew. I feel as if Mary weeps with me as I bear my cross of having no children knowing the pain it was then as it surely is still today of women all over. I stood in front of the Mary statue in church once while I went past it one day when I was working, and I took a few moments to talk with her. I decided that I couldn't continue to pray for, worry about, and consume my life with someone anymore. He was not making good choices in his life, and many people were very worried about him, but I had to move on. So, I "gave him over" to Mary's care. I knew he needed a spiritual mother. I know God is taking care of him and in the process, I was able to let go. Tonight I felt drawn again to Mary. My heart ached. I needed a mother to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. My heart broke for another as well, and how I wished she could feel the love of Mary. So, I close with reflections on this song praying for wisdom and peace. To come: My saint story! Today has been a new kind of Mother's Day. Prior to today, I've read blogs of other women who have lost a child or children to miscarriage and they taught me a different way to see this very special day. They too are mothers! But so many people don't know this, because they either don't look at it this way or they don't know their stories. It is not their first Mother's Day when a child comes into this world.
One of the blog entries sounded like my story if the context was changed a little. I feel selfish - like my situation is not even comparable to mutter those words of similarity. I understand the cries of a "barren/infertile" woman who is waiting wondering when her time is going to be. I have disappointments and denials of a life I dream and hope for, but they only look different as a single woman. I can only imagine my cries to God being similar to theirs..."I am so faithful to you. How long must I wait? Please help me to accept whatever is your will." And so I move forward wondering if this cross becomes less heavy as time moves on. I haven't figured that out. So, what is a woman to do when someone says, "Happy Mother's Day," to you when you are not married and without children? First of all, it was like music to my ears! Really, it was. It probably was, because of my deep desire to have my own child or children. What happened next really made the difference. She must have realized or wondered if I was a mother and asked if I was. I said no, but then she asked about my job in the Church. When I told her that I coordinate the high school religion and confirmation program, she said I was a spiritual mom (or something like that). This weekend truly confirmed exactly that. Saturday was the Sacrament of Confirmation. It is a privilege and joy to walk the high school juniors and a few seniors through the Confirmation Program each step of the way. For most of them, I've started to get to know in their freshman year in the high school religion program (Faith Formation). There is such a transformation over the years, but especially during the Confirmation year. Then on Sunday at church, I was selling roses for Mother's Day, and a high school senior who was ushering came into my sight. He was confirmed last year, and I hadn't seen him in forever. I said his name (I was so excited), and he came my way and hugged me. I was overjoyed with his joy about where he will be going to college and all that he learned about the university. He mentioned to me how close the church was to the school. We talked for a while and then it was time to carry on. It is not only him, but the few others that I do touch base with and they are sure to stop and tell me how they are doing. But he was a blessing today. Did I feel like a spiritual mom when he came my way? I sure did. By the way, I never knew how spiritual ushering could be until he shared with me last year in his confirmation interview. I was holding back tears when he was telling me how much he grew in his faith and spirituality from ushering. I've shared this story often. This is why I will (especially) never forget this boy. What I have been able to figure out is how to be happy in the present day even if I wish I had something/someone more. We all wish for something/someone more in our lives. I learned a long time ago that my life has started, and I must make it a good one now. I don't feel like my life hasn't begun because I am not married, and I don't have children. We will be in a whole lot of trouble if we're always looking for the next thing to make us happy if we can't learn to be happy with what we've got, because we'll never be happy then. But there is a dream...and for now I carry that with me in a very special spot on this Mother's Day. Maybe someday I'll be my child's spiritual mama and so much more, but for now I'll be that for so many others. That's a gift I'll give, and I'm blessed more than they'll ever know in return. I went several months without blogging before my last post. It wasn't because I was too busy or wasn't interested. I actually think through what I could write as I drive to work often times. I didn't post, because I was struggling with issues of anger. My posts would have been whinny, bitter, and hurtful. I had to take a break, a step a way. However, I have decided to blog about one situation, because of what God taught me in the process. Plus, I've lost my steam over the situation! God has a way of doing that to me sometimes. He can humble me in seconds. So here it goes... Over the holiday season the YMCA offered a challenge for its members to stay on track during the Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years holiday season. We were to weigh in three times, and the biggest loser in weight percentage would win a personal training session. I was very excited, since I no longer could afford personal training sessions and my last session was at the end of summer. I did well until I got a sinus cold after my second weigh in. I decided not to complete my last weigh in, since I gained some of my lost weight back. The challenge was over, and I would never know if I even came close to winning. Not long after, a personal trainer called me up and offered me a free training session. I was ecstatic since I didn't win or even complete the challenge. The day arrived for me to meet with the trainer. It was a very busy time at work, but I made the time for this. I changed into my gym clothes and psyched myself up mentally for a hard workout session that my body was about to undergo. If any of you have ever experienced personal training, especially when you are overweight, you know it is hell (but very good for you). However, the trainer was no where to be found. This was upsetting. I think he was 30 minutes late. I can't remember anymore. I was livid and here's why:
...So now it's a little awkward at the Y when we cross paths, but oh well. BUT, here's the thing...I needed to move past being in an uproar about this. Of course I told my parents, co-workers, sister, and a few other people about this. How long was I going to go on about this? How long was I going to let this fester? I can remember one morning when I was thinking about all of this and God stopped me like a deer in the headlights and He said, "But Amy, you are late too!" And here's the thing....I could rationalize my way out of this one all I want, but God will come back with the same few words again. See, it doesn't matter if it's just my boyfriend or my sister. It doesn't matter if it's just a casual event or formal (but not for something really important). Each person's time is important. Every time I am late, it says something to them and about me. I am late often! I am careless with my time. I am irresponsible. I have poor time management. I think my time is more important. I don't want to take action from what I have learned from my poor time management decisions. I try to fill too much in my time. Even if I don't say this out loud or even really think these thoughts, these are messages being told. They are ugly and embarrassing. So, yes, I am not trying to pick up clients, but that doesn't make my tardiness ok. It is pretty crazy when Jesus humbles us just like that, in moments where we are in shock. It was as if He pulled the blanket off my ugly bad habit and was revealing it. As if he didn't see it all for what it was the whole time! What's really ugly about it is when I was pointing my finger at this man, Jesus was looking back at me. It was at those moments my heart broke and forgiveness arose. There is much danger when we point our finger at another, since we can always be turning that same finger back at ourselves and examining our own sin even if the sin is of a different nature. Who are we to judge others? It can be so easy to get caught up in it though. It was easy to move on from my anger for this man, because of Jesus' lesson. Also, because I have a lot of work to do on myself in this area. I've learned that the only person we can change and grow is yourself. One of the most difficult, but very amazing things is, I have the Holy Spirit to show and tell me ways that I need to change and grow in. We know for a fact that God will never fail at that, because we can always become more like His Son...because that is what love is. Jesus is love and we are to love like Him. So, take some time to think about what fingers you've been pointing and the areas in your own life you need to work on. Then give thanks for God breaking your heart as He revealed this to you. Seek forgiveness for the pointed fingers of judgement and ask Him to walk with you as you work to grow and change in your weakness of sin. Blessings! ~Remember God loves you too much to leave you the way you are!~ I love this song by Casting Crown. It fits perfectly with this. "Jesus, friend of sinners Open our eyes to the world at the end of our pointed fingers Let our hearts be led by mercy Help us reach with open hearts and open doors Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks Yours." Casting Crowns in Jesus, Friend of Sinners ...listen below! There was a woman afflicted with hemorrhages for twelve years. 26She had suffered greatly at the hands of many doctors and had spent all that she had. Yet she was not helped but only grew worse. 27She had heard about Jesus and came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak. 28 She said, “If I but touch his clothes, I shall be cured.” 29Immediately her flow of blood dried up. She felt in her body that she was healed of her affliction. 30Jesus, aware at once that power had gone out from him, turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who has touched my clothes?” 31But his disciples said to him, “You see how the crowd is pressing upon you, and yet you ask, ‘Who touched me?’” 32And he looked around to see who had done it. 33The woman, realizing what had happened to her, approached in fear and trembling. She fell down before Jesus and told him the whole truth. 34He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has saved you. Go in peace and be cured of your affliction.” Mark 5:25-34 It came to me a few days ago that I need to be asking God to heal me of my migraines. If I pray this prayer for ten or more years, it is a prayer I need to be praying. I need to be begging and crying out to God! And if that prayer isn't answered for some time, then I need to invite Him into this struggle asking Him to be with me along the way. Please give me the wisdom I need to become smarter in understanding my specific disease...give me the strength to endure. Many people were cured by Jesus in the Bible. The faith these people had! Why not me, too? This thought came to me as I thought back to the crippled man that I've been reflecting on in my last few blogs. If it wasn't for him and the reflections from Hannah while in China, I don't think I would be picturing myself on the ground like the hemorrhaging woman reaching out to Jesus. Imagine bleeding extensively for 12 years...oh how weak she must have been. Would she have any joy? When I have migraines, it is a constant pain that chips away at anything that I am trying to do. Take the full capacity of that positive emotion and cut it down. Do the same for the physical. Do I want them for the rest of my life? No. Do I want to be healed some how, someway? Yes! Through a miracle? I'll take that today, yes Jesus! If not that, through figuring this out, "Jesus help me through this, give me wisdom and knowledge." Prayer changes things. That is a sign. You actually could buy it somewhere and hang it in your house. Our prayers don't always get answered the way WE may want them to and in our time, but they DO get answered. I am a believer in prayer, and I think it is about time I start praying for my miracle to be healed. I am only foolish to have a lack of faith to think it can't be done. Our God is never too small to handle our problems. |
So this is me...I am a woman who lives with passion, self-reflection, and a desire to do God's will.
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