I had another one of those drawn out moments with my closet. It's a girl's worst nightmare. I call these moments closet wars. Mine can last about an hour. It has nothing to do with a lack of organization or laundry not being kept up. My closet wars are about feeling fat, nothing fitting right (too big or too small), and clothes feeling wrong on me. I've gone into work later than I wanted because of this. I've ran late for dates or simply going out with the girls. I get so worked up that I almost throw in the towel and stay in. I haven't actually called into work sick, but wearing sweats desperately crosses my mind more than I'd like to admit. I've successfully done it once on a weekend when no one knew I was there. I'm not talking about a skinny person's closet war. Those are very different from a chubby girl's. It's one thing to not know what to wear, it's another to not have anything that fits right. It's the times when shirt after shirt your stomach still shows, and shoving yourself into spanks is the last thing you want to do. There was one point where I started ignoring the back bulges, because I would have been out of luck with shirts if I cared about them. It's different when you've tried on the smaller size pants a million times and they still don't fit, but the bigger pair is still bigger. This happens over and over again as I lose weight. There are stories for underwear and bras, too! I will never forget one summer when I probably weighed my most, well over 250 pounds. My boyfriend at the time, his friends, and I were going swimming/boating. It was a full-blown closet war with my swimsuit. I hated how I looked and felt in it. I had every right to feel that way with how much I weighed. I couldn't find anything better. Nothing looked good even on top of it. I probably broke down crying. With the tiniest amount of self-confidence I had, I manage to go that day. And that was a big decision. I was so close to just saying, "forget it!" It wasn't about the skinny girls there in two pieces that looked hot. I valued myself enough to know what really matter. I also had a man that loved me and was true to me, so I wasn't insecure that way. It was simply feeling horrible in my own skin and hating what it looked like. AND THAT'S WHAT THESE CLOSET WARS ARE ABOUT! (Picture was taken summer of 2009 or 2010. This is bad enough with clothes on top. The pictures of this day remain on Facebook on another's page.) A closet war involves trying on a "million" shirts to see what will finally look good or just do. My closet and room are usually a mess after, and I could care less about where I am off to. I am deflated and worn down as if the closet won. The clothes send messages of ugliness one after the other. Just when I think I may have an outfit together, I turn to the side, and I think I could do better. I look fat. The shirt goes off over my head and the whole mad dash begins again. Usually I am already late. The cycle of putting an outfit together, looking in the mirror, evaluating, and starting over happens several times. You wonder why women don't drink and then get dressed. If the closet could really talk, I know it would say.... Amy, you are beautiful You are doing great Push forward, push on Don't let this get you down One day you will remember these days The growing pains get you to where you want to be You've already come so far Don't grow weary This journey is one of your best Even if it takes you a while You are stronger than you've ever been Screw these clothes You're chasing what's real Now get after it! And so, my closet wars only push me into my dreams harder. My closet wars only make me more pissed off and determined! This dream after all is about saving my life, so I can have the best life. Believing in myself and my future - focusing on that. Check this video out! It's great. A few notes from it: Not living in the negative thought Better than the moment What are you thinking about when your effort is low? Probably not thinking about the opportunity but the obligation. Keep thinking about the opportunity! I'm alive; this is the day! Change your mentality! Effort goes up when you have an opportunity, rather than the obligation.
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So this is me...I am a woman who lives with passion, self-reflection, and a desire to do God's will.
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