What will 2014 bring? It is filled with opportunity. The days are wide open. They are unknown. This is exciting. I take in this moment with music playing in the background and all that is to come feels sacred. It is in God's hands, a gift given to me. Will I use God's time on Earth well in 2014 as I am blessed in new ways and presented with challenges? It was pretty interesting today to reflect on why it was so sad to stay in by myself and do nothing out of the ordinary on New Year's Eve. What is the big deal really? Does all that hype really matter? Thankfully being sick on New Year's Eve doesn't happen often! I've always been one to celebrate successes from the year that is about to close. As I take time to think about my year, I find great achievement and joy. I have been so blessed in many ways. I am also proud of myself, but yet I know right away what my goals are for the year to come. I have so much hope for these goals to be accomplished, that I am anxious for next year (in a good way) where I am anticipating it. I think to myself, "Another great year of awesome opportunity that I know can become reality. Now let's celebrate its arrival!" So, I am celebrating the past year and the one that is to come! Why oh why would I want to celebrate by sitting at home? That is not my style! You can only imagine my sadness when it is the only way... So, what is a girl to do? She is to celebrate in her heart! All woman of deep faith know how to do this well from time-to-time when their plans get changed. The experience I had hoped for can't be lived out, but it can be in my heart. Because the hype DOES MATTER. After all, I am JOYFUL for my JOY from 2013, and I am OVER THE MOUNTAIN TOPS for my ACCOMPLISHMENTS from 2013. And I ANTICIPATE nothing less in 2014! I might just hope for even more joy and accomplishments. Can you imagine the celebration I can have in my heart over this? It is pretty amazing!
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I was in the locker room after my workout today gathering my items and minding my own business when two ladies just carried on their discussion as if I wasn't there. An overweight woman was sharing about her poor eating habits and how her grocery bill had gone up when her and her husband switched over to eating fresh fruits and veggies. She eventually said that she used to weigh 300 something and now weighed 200 something. She would be happy to lose 80 more pounds.
The other lady provided feedback and shared thoughts. The overweight lady guessed this woman's body weight of 120 pounds head on. She talked about weight loss programs, and they conversed back and forth. I was enjoying this interaction UP UNTIL....the over weight women said, "And then I see the skinny people working out on the treadmills for 6o minutes." It came in the context of "those skinny people have it so easy; why do they have to workout?" I almost jumped into the conversation right there. It was an amazing teaching moment. I have learned that EVERYONE has their OWN JOURNEY and their OWN STRUGGLES. Along with this, I wanted to share the following:
There is a magical place of corn crib races, night time games, and Christmases with cousins. There are tractor rides in the fields with Grandpa and dad. There's trying to sneak a peak of the amazing beauty that's going on in the bathroom or as my aunt lays out in her bikini swimsuit catching some sun. There's an aroma of homemade cinnamon rolls and rolls coming from the kitchen. Graham crackers are being dipped into a glass of milk and being waved back and forth until they are just right. There is toy playing on the front lawn. My aunt is doing my hair in the kitchen... This magical place was my grandparents farm. For a lot of our family, it is a place that is still alive in our hearts today. It was extra special for me, since my dad was the son that worked on it instead of finding a different profession for a few years. So, I had the joy of going with him before I started school. I hold a very special place for the farm in my heart. There are a lot of memories. When I was in my intermediate grades of elementary school, my grandparents decided to sell the farm and then move to Arizona a few years after where they would be close to their oldest son and his family. I've written about the farm and my love that goes with it many times...and as always, with tears, as I have now. You understand this if you have similar experiences. From that time up until a few years ago, I faithfully wrote my grandparents and called them. I would receive letters back and our phone conversations would probably last an hour as I conversed with both Grandma and Grandpa. Such communication is sacred. I'll never forget my last two conversations. I called them up and asked Grandpa to pray one of his Rosaries for me and someone I was dating as an intercession on our behalf to God. He prayed the Rosary regularly. We were going to be talking about our recent break up, and I knew my Grandpa would pray for us. Of course he said yes. Then I talked with Grandma and updated her about this very important conversation that was to take place and anything else that was new. I don't remember how much time went by when I did call to tell Grandma and Grandpa about the conversation. I did notice that Grandma didn't really seem to remember who I had been dating as I went on talking about him. I reminded her, but I didn't think much of it at the time. It wasn't until my mom said something a while later that she was showing signs of Alzheimer's disease. She went on about the symptoms she was now showing. All I could think about was my last conversation with her. Everything made sense now. All these years, we would talk and talk about everything. We would laugh. She always knew, and if she didn't, she would ask. It was so different the last time. It was almost like I was talking to a stranger, but I think she knew it was me. At least I hope she did... That was the last time I spoke with either one of my Grandparents. That was almost two years ago. This breaks my heart. I wonder if my Grandpa questions why I stopped calling...or if he knows in his heart why, but then feels abandoned. He is still valuable after all...even if I can't talk with Grandma (because she won't know who I am). Grandpa cries now, because of Grandma. She is getting physically worse. We always thought Grandma would be the one to take care of Grandpa until he goes home to the Lord. It just wasn't going to be this way. She was always the caregiver. I have always hated this disease more than most, if not all. I value my memories that I've made with others more than almost anything. I miss my Grandma, and I can't even imagine what Grandpa feels. My heart aches for him as his body hurts of old age and for his Love (Grandma). She is there somewhere. I know I must call him. I love him. I must tell him I am sorry for abandoning him. I must tell him Jesus loves him and is there, always there...just in case he forgot. ...And for whatever the reason, he is still here and so is his Love. And that I am praying for him and Grandma. (One of my very favorite artist and her husband, JJ and Dave Heller. I listened to this song with Grandpa in mind. "Your Hands" is one of my favorite songs.) My whole world was changed back in 2008. My heart loved like it has never before. It grew quickly, and it became my mission to make this man happy and well loved. After all, I loved him. My love for him was consuming. I thought about him throughout my day. I day dreamed, we wrote each other about our love, and I went to sleep thinking about nothing else but him. I couldn't be happier. That first year was magical. I knew for sure by month six that I wanted to marry him.
Within the second year I learned more of what it meant to love unconditionally, since we had overcome some big challenges. I'd follow this man anywhere I decided. I'd do just about anything (because I was). But it was then that a war started to break out within me. Who am I? Why did I tell him things were ok when they weren't? Why wasn't I strong enough to fight for the things that were important to me? Why am I so weak? I am important! Why can't I communicate well? Why is this so hard?...Six months of this...crying, thinking, reading about relationships, praying, and listening to God... How do you possibly begin to start thinking about saying goodbye to the man you love with every fiber of your being...to the man you want to marry, have babies with, grow old with, and die with? You also say goodbye to his family who loves you and you love them... When the time came, he did not fight for me. After all, he knew things were not right the last few months. We mutually agreed it was for the best to go our own way. The journey ahead was hard for both of us. There is no way it was possible for us to travel it together for what needed to happen. This journey by far has been the most painful in my life. It also has been the most teachable. I will love this man forever, despite the great amount of pain that has come. There was quite a process of learning that took place as I moved forward. Here are just a few lessons learned:
A few awesome quotes from Mandy Hale's book, The Single Woman's Sassy Survival Guide: Letting Go and Moving On that just really connected back to this time:
Song that made me think of writing this post: Christina Aguilera - Say Something -A song that I would have cried through if I heard right after the breakup. More to come about moving on and self discovery! |
So this is me...I am a woman who lives with passion, self-reflection, and a desire to do God's will.
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