I never had a hard time understanding why we, as Catholics, have Mary and the Saints pray for us. It made total sense to me that they are amazing intercessors for me, since they are the closest to God and His Son. We too, are intercessors for others when others ask us to pray for them for various needs, however, it just happens to take place here on earth. Even though this made sense and I taught this to high school youth (so they could teach others that Catholics DO NOT pray to Mary and Saints or worship (we honor) them), I didn't put it into practice. It wasn't until I began to see Mary as "my mother," that I could see her as an intercessor for me. As I saw Mary's love for her son, I began to see Mary in her motherly role. Only a mother can comfort in such a way and be there through certain things. I also knew she had an understanding of being a woman, so I can cry out to her woman to woman. As this happened, my prayers to God through the intercession of Mary grew. I feel as if Mary weeps with me as I bear my cross of having no children knowing the pain it was then as it surely is still today of women all over. I stood in front of the Mary statue in church once while I went past it one day when I was working, and I took a few moments to talk with her. I decided that I couldn't continue to pray for, worry about, and consume my life with someone anymore. He was not making good choices in his life, and many people were very worried about him, but I had to move on. So, I "gave him over" to Mary's care. I knew he needed a spiritual mother. I know God is taking care of him and in the process, I was able to let go. Tonight I felt drawn again to Mary. My heart ached. I needed a mother to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. My heart broke for another as well, and how I wished she could feel the love of Mary. So, I close with reflections on this song praying for wisdom and peace. To come: My saint story!
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Today has been a new kind of Mother's Day. Prior to today, I've read blogs of other women who have lost a child or children to miscarriage and they taught me a different way to see this very special day. They too are mothers! But so many people don't know this, because they either don't look at it this way or they don't know their stories. It is not their first Mother's Day when a child comes into this world.
One of the blog entries sounded like my story if the context was changed a little. I feel selfish - like my situation is not even comparable to mutter those words of similarity. I understand the cries of a "barren/infertile" woman who is waiting wondering when her time is going to be. I have disappointments and denials of a life I dream and hope for, but they only look different as a single woman. I can only imagine my cries to God being similar to theirs..."I am so faithful to you. How long must I wait? Please help me to accept whatever is your will." And so I move forward wondering if this cross becomes less heavy as time moves on. I haven't figured that out. So, what is a woman to do when someone says, "Happy Mother's Day," to you when you are not married and without children? First of all, it was like music to my ears! Really, it was. It probably was, because of my deep desire to have my own child or children. What happened next really made the difference. She must have realized or wondered if I was a mother and asked if I was. I said no, but then she asked about my job in the Church. When I told her that I coordinate the high school religion and confirmation program, she said I was a spiritual mom (or something like that). This weekend truly confirmed exactly that. Saturday was the Sacrament of Confirmation. It is a privilege and joy to walk the high school juniors and a few seniors through the Confirmation Program each step of the way. For most of them, I've started to get to know in their freshman year in the high school religion program (Faith Formation). There is such a transformation over the years, but especially during the Confirmation year. Then on Sunday at church, I was selling roses for Mother's Day, and a high school senior who was ushering came into my sight. He was confirmed last year, and I hadn't seen him in forever. I said his name (I was so excited), and he came my way and hugged me. I was overjoyed with his joy about where he will be going to college and all that he learned about the university. He mentioned to me how close the church was to the school. We talked for a while and then it was time to carry on. It is not only him, but the few others that I do touch base with and they are sure to stop and tell me how they are doing. But he was a blessing today. Did I feel like a spiritual mom when he came my way? I sure did. By the way, I never knew how spiritual ushering could be until he shared with me last year in his confirmation interview. I was holding back tears when he was telling me how much he grew in his faith and spirituality from ushering. I've shared this story often. This is why I will (especially) never forget this boy. What I have been able to figure out is how to be happy in the present day even if I wish I had something/someone more. We all wish for something/someone more in our lives. I learned a long time ago that my life has started, and I must make it a good one now. I don't feel like my life hasn't begun because I am not married, and I don't have children. We will be in a whole lot of trouble if we're always looking for the next thing to make us happy if we can't learn to be happy with what we've got, because we'll never be happy then. But there is a dream...and for now I carry that with me in a very special spot on this Mother's Day. Maybe someday I'll be my child's spiritual mama and so much more, but for now I'll be that for so many others. That's a gift I'll give, and I'm blessed more than they'll ever know in return. When I decided to start losing weight again, I knew I would not be sharing the details with everyone this time. The decision was and still is very intentional. Today, I'd like to share with you why I keep most of my progress to myself, my doctors, and my personal trainer. Beyond that, my boyfriend knows some, but not what I weigh, what all my goals are and what I am currently working on and fighting through. So, you see, you aren't the only one that doesn't know. You are the majority.
It took two years to lose my weight the last time. I realized that I was constantly evaluated throughout that time. At first it was hard to take in the praise. Then it was empowering, and I learned how to accept it joyfully. At the end, I just wanted to go on living life normally. For two years I was constantly bombarded with praise from college classmates, friends, and family. It didn't take long to figure out that when you gain weight the talk doesn't grow silent; it just goes behind close doors. It was painfully obvious when there wasn't anything "good" going for me at family gatherings, since the physical is such a focus with one side of my family. Either nothing was said about how good I was looking (because obviously I wasn't) or someone pointed out something that could look good despite my body weight (for example, my hair). I hate myself when I get caught up in this behavior as well. I'd much rather be into the, "I miss yous; how have you been?; it's been so long!" People don't realize it, but the "gaining weight and I'm no longer "beautiful" stage" is quite hurtful. It's hurtful, because others make it that way. It doesn't have to be that way. It doesn't have to be that way, because weight doesn't have to be the focus. Being healthy, fit, and happy can be the focus. And that is what I am choosing. When you do not tell people how much weight you have lost, it is not the focus. I believe that it is counter cultural to not share your weight loss. It is different when someone asks and my response is, "I am not sharing my weight loss." At first it was very frustrating for some. They thought I wasn't allowing them to be happy for me. Like in some way, I wasn't allowing them to join me in this journey by being happy for my milestones. But this is what I want everyone to know: I want to live life normally, day in and day out without being evaluated. I don't need praise necessarily (for motivation, for encouragement, for a good job well done, etc.). To me being healthy, fit and happy is a life-long journey, and I am going to be working on it everyday of my life. This way about things sets me free. The whole purpose for getting healthier also sets me free. Yes, I naturally need to lose weight, but I started and continue to workout and do strength training for my back and to reduce migraines. This is where the getting healthier comes in. I want to get healthier. If it were just about losing weight, like the last time, I think it would be easier to gain it all back again. I never want to experience this chronic back pain each day ever again if it does go away when I reach a point in my fitness. So, I work hard at becoming fit for life, not just thin (a possible fad). I am training myself for a lifetime of habits...a lifestyle I like, value, and understand its importance. So, if I would tell you the number of pounds I lost, what would it tell you? It would not tell you:
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So this is me...I am a woman who lives with passion, self-reflection, and a desire to do God's will.
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